This is how I became an assassin.
“Die! Die! I hate you! I hate you!” was my war cry—much to my sister’s astonishment—as I executed that disgusting five foot dinosaur for a cockroach. Yeah! Another achievement!
You all must have experienced the menace of cockroaches. Usually they loiter at night. This particular one had travelled drunken to me due to my mother’s torture of HIT spray in the crooks of the house. It was drunk to that point that it flew all over in front of me and disrupted my HD view of staggering Paul Walker and his equally staggering cars. You think I’ll tolerate that kind of nuisance? Come on! After all we are talking about the fast and the furious here.
Well, I don’t usually kill anything. Umm… okay I cannot kill anything. There was this time when I visited my bestie for a sleepover and we needed to drink water at night. So I made her clear the room before I crossed the threshold. It was really brave of her to go to the front lines alone, slipper in hand (while I crouched).
Hence this was great (adrenaline rush!) as I stood at my bed’s headrest and took a perfect aim at that five foot roach with my sister’s slipper. To which came her comment, “Yayy….You killed a cockroach Bravo…” in a pathetically condescending voice. I just made a smug face, “Shut up. When have you killed one?” As it was my luck, or rather as it was my sister, I did not get a proper response. All I got was “Why did you use my slipper? Eww… wash it! Wash it!”
Hah. Two targets with one slipper. I rock.
Did you know that the scientific name of cockroach is Periplanata americana? As the name suggest, it originated in America and migrated to other parts of the world. They got rid of them but we are here confronting these domestic enemies everyday because of god knows which past life’s sin. Anyways, they not only poison food and create holes in places, they also disrupt my studies. Well…how can you expect me to sit tight in my table when these things fly about everywhere? What if they pee on me? Or decide to make a nest in my hair? I have to hurriedly run for cover under the mosquito net or some other room. Thereby I send my mom/dad/grandma to carry out the purification ritual… that is HIT spray (these spray people are having some nice business).
But now I am a slayer, a slaughter, an executioner! Wish I had some sharp darts so that I could practice my new found talent of aiming. Take their eyes out or something. The next “Hunger Games” is here people! Contact me soon to join.
And I am not exaggerating about the aiming. I’ve become pretty good. Another time when I was trying to make sense of what was written in the book placed in front of me, a family of cockroach decided to visit me. Probably thought I was in need of some entertainment. How considerate of them… That day I proved that I was a prodigy (though no one was present to observe). I aimed a slipper at one and sprayed the other one. Another small one tried to escape but I got that too. Despite the fact that there was overflow of spray smell in my room (which could have given me anaphylactic shock), I realized I had become a master murderer!! Yoohoo!
All these realization and feeling of achievement was thrown out the window when after a few days two of the roach relatives popped up to seek revenge at night, crawling all over me. I had no other option other than to lurch out of my bed as quickly as I could. Ended up spending the rest of the night on the couch. I wonder. How many are there? No matter what pest control method we apply, they usually pay a visit every few months. Pathetic, homeless scrounging cannibals.
Due to their ongoing menace, I regularly have to put up the mosquito net and cover up the any exposed space in my bed with some towel because you know what? They can laterally flatten themselves and can enter into any nook. Now what other horrendous fact do we need? And yeah, I put the mosquito net to fend off cockroaches and not mosquitoes. You can give me that Nobel Prize anytime for inventing the cockroach net. I also keep a spray nearby (gonna die some day with the smell). Just look at this atrocity! It’s like prepping for the battlefield every night. By the time I get into bed, I lose all the sleep. This assassin job is really troublesome.
I think I should just go ahead and hire some bodyguards. And then hire some assassins to kill those bodyguards when they haggle me for salary.
Also, more assassins to kill those assassins… And this never ending journey continues…
Okay I completely lost my point…and brain.